Commentary - blogs & posts
Writing - published works
Photo album - all the pix
Résumé - work history
Miscellany - favorites & links
June 10 - Wired Magazine representatives admitted in a press conference today that "'Push Media' might not actually have revolutionized the Internet, as we declared on the cover of our magazine." The Wired representative added, "It turns out that we might be a bunch of cloobie reporters stuck in our tiny office in San Francisco with no actual clues about the industry."
Gary Juniper, PR representative for Wired, said that "We're now reconsidering now whether most of the things that we've trumpeted on our magazine cover as 'revolutionizing the Internet' may have in fact been short-lived fads that, since none of us are actually ISPs or programmers, we thought were cool-sounding but in practice turned out to be utterly impractical pieces of complete f***ing dogcrap."
"For example, our 1996 prediction that everyone would soon have Windows CE devices implanted surgically into their skulls turned out to be slightly off-base. Also, the fact that no human who knows more than three lines of Perl has ever worn anything in our 'geek fashion' section has given us room to pause."
Juniper mentioned that, although no one had followed any of their "101 Ways to Save Apple," the company "seemed to be doing sorta kinda okay now." Other features and covers on "Why ISDN Will Rule This Planet Immediately," "How Anyone Who Still Has Physical Cash in Their Wallet is a S**thead," and "Why No Internet Stock Will Ever Decrease in Value" may have been somewhat misguided. "Oh, and we're sorry about Jon Katz," Juniper added. "Compared to the rest of us, the guy is Vint Cerf on a Nuclear-Powered Bicycle. So we thought he was a 'geek,' despite the fact he couldn't install Red-Freakin'-Hat on his own machine. Oops."
Industry analyst Bill Keane defended Wired, saying "The fact that no one on the Wired staff could technically explain what DNS is, how httpd works, or what the living f**k SDSL means should in no way impair their ability to convince reader lusers of what 'the next big thing' is."
"Oh," added Juniper, "we still have no idea why anyone thinks 'Esther Dyson' knows anything."